Single parent.

Isn’t there a better term for people who are divorced and raising kids? It connotes a solitary and difficult role: alone in the sea of diapers or car pools or school conferences or packing lunches.

In reality, I am single and a parent, but I share the joys and chores of parenting with my children’s father, and we both are equally engaged in their lives. I’m lucky in that way. I’m a full-time parent when it comes to thinking about the children and their needs, worrying about their struggles, and celebrating who they are, but only about half the time do I need to be in charge of the logistics of their everyday lives.

On the days that the kids and I have together, I am on my own to figure out how to pick up someone from school when my work day didn’t end on time, or how to get my teenager to a study group when my youngest needs to get to fencing practice. Those days can be hectic.

Making it work

Starting this month, for example, my work schedule changed, and I had to figure out how my fifth-grader was going to get home from school on Wednesdays. I don’t live in the bus zone (his dad’s house is the home of record for the district) and we live about 2 miles from school – a bit far for him to walk. I had made arrangements to leave the office for a half hour or so to drive to school, pick him up and bring him back to the office with me, but this was less than ideal for both of us.

I thought about having him go home with a friend, but every Wednesday night I host a dinner for our friends and family, and I didn’t want that to change; I was afraid Conall would want to stay at the friend’s house for dinner, so I was in a bit of a lurch.

Lucky for me, my best friend (and a weekly part of our Wednesday friends-for-dinner night) offered to have Conall walk to her house after school. She lives a block from the school, and Conall loves her like an aunt. He started walking to her house on Wednesdays and gets to spend an hour or so with her chatting, having a snack and hanging out, and then she brings him to my house around dinner time for our weekly shared meal. What a gift!

All parents need help

To be frank, though, many married couples face the same challenges, and even though it seems that there is a deeper bench of resources available, I think in some ways being on my own has encouraged me to rely on a network of friends rather than just my spouse to solve the logistical challenges I face. In fact, since we divorced, there’s no resentment or anger when my kids’ dad isn’t available to be the driver when schedules collide.

I suspect in many marriages, the burden of figuring out how kids get where they need to be or making sure the birthday gift is bought for the party fall to one parent anyway. A feeling of imbalance or burden is common when the stresses of getting everything done seem to fall only one person’s shoulders.  

I’m here to say that we are all single parents in some ways. Married or divorced, raising children is like being a race car driver. Frequently, the driving is tough. Sometimes we can barely hold on to the wheel of a careening vehicle to keep it on the road in a fast-paced race, but let’s face it – you can only have one driver at a time.

Sure, you can swap out drivers when you refuel at a pit stop, and you can even have a partner or team you work with develop a strategy for the race, but when push comes to shove, only one person can drive at a time. Whether your pit crew is made up of a spouse or family or friends, when you get back on the road, you’re on your own.

Handing over the keys

I am slowly but surely learning how to let someone else take the keys and drive for a while so I can rest before falling asleep at the wheel. We all need to let someone else drive at times, even if we worry that they don’t know exactly where they’re going and may get a little lost. Being divorced and needing to rely on others differently has forced me to accept the fact that I am not the only good driver around, and I can hand my friends and family the car keys when I need to.

This month, seeing my son excited to walk to my best friend’s house, having him light up and smile at the sight of her, and knowing that she is a caring and loving adult in his life has made me realize how lucky I am. My kids are reaping the benefits of having several adults in their lives who they can talk to and turn to for advice, who share in their joys and struggles, and on whom they can count when I’ve driven too long without a break.

Single parenting, just like solitary driving, can be exhausting, and parents need relief and company for the ride, but I don’t think of a single driver as someone to be lauded or pitied or even singled out, and single parents shouldn’t be thought of that way, either. If you keep your eyes on the road, keep your GPS nearby and let your friends and family drive part of the way, when you get to where you’re going, you will be happy and relaxed. And so will your kids.